Finding My Flow: Embracing Change at 40
I’m Ruxi, and this is my story of letting go, learning to live authentically, and finally understanding that I don’t have to edit myself to please others. For a long time, I tried to fit into boxes that weren’t made for me. But turning 40 changed everything. It woke me up in a way that I didn’t see coming. Now, as I stand at this crossroads of life, I ask myself: How do I want to live the next 40 years?
Who Am I?
I’m Ruxi, and this is my story of letting go, learning to live authentically, and finally understanding that I don’t have to edit myself to please others. For a long time, I tried to fit into boxes that weren’t made for me. But turning 40 changed everything. It woke me up in a way that I didn’t see coming. Now, as I stand at this crossroads of life, I ask myself: How do I want to live the next 40 years?
One of my greatest surprises—and perhaps my biggest achievement—has been healing my body. After 12 years of struggling with my weight, trying every possible approach, I gave myself one last chance. At one point, I had even agreed to a gastric sleeve operation because I didn’t believe I could do it on my own. But something inside me wasn’t ready to give up. I refused the surgery and, to my surprise, I succeeded. I lost 30 kilograms, not just from my body, but from the emotional weight I’d carried for years.
The transformation didn’t just stop at weight loss. My body healed in ways I didn’t think possible. I had serious hip and knee issues, early signs of arthrosis, and doctors warned me: “Lose the weight, or else!” And so I did. The fact that my body responded and healed after all the years of struggle still amazes me. I surprised myself—not just by achieving the weight loss but by realizing how much the body can heal when you give it the chance. I would like to call this weight-healing, instead of weight-loss, I haven’t lost anything, I happily gave it away. And 2 years after the xrays in my knees, no more sign of Arthrosis.
Breaking Free from Edits
The most beautiful part of this journey? Watching my two kids grow up with more autonomy than I ever had. They have the power to say “Nu vreau”—to say no and ask for what brings them joy. This is something that took me well into late my 20s to grasp. And seeing them so confident speeds up my own healing process. My hope is that they won’t have major things to heal from when they look back at our parenting.
Self-Care: My Greatest Mission
Now, my biggest mission is to take care of myself so I can care for my family and the amazing “family of friends” we’ve built here in Switzerland. In the past, I was focused on fitting in and being the good girl. I stayed quiet because I didn’t know what I wanted or what brought me joy. Now, I’m learning what works for me, and it’s a beautiful process. I don’t have all the answers, but I am free to explore what makes my heart race and my soul smile.
For a long time, I had a big problem with telling the truth—my truth. Instead of asking myself, “What do I feel? What do I want?” I would play detective, reading all the signs in other people—their facial expressions, tone of voice, the subtlest gestures. I would figure out what they wanted to hear from me, just so I could be liked. In a way, I was a liar. But it goes deeper than that. If you’re not telling the truth, even to yourself, you’re lying by omission. How can you be honest when you don’t know yourself well enough to know what your own truth is?
This realization has been a crucial part of my self-care journey. It’s not just about being liked or accepted—it’s about standing firmly in what I feel, want, and believe. It’s about discovering my truth, not just reflecting someone else’s.
The Flow of Life
I’m not linear—I’ve always known that deep down. I get bored quickly, and that’s okay. I’ve stopped beating myself up for not following a conventional career path. I’m a neurodivergent soul, and I embrace it fully now. I need variety, whether it’s in sports like cycling and triathlons or in life itself. I flow like a river—sometimes slow, sometimes fast, but always moving toward something bigger.
I used to criticize myself for not having a traditional, linear life—the kind where you choose a career, climb the ladder, and follow a straight path. But I’ve come to realize that my strength lies in my flexibility and curiosity. I’ve always been a nomadic spirit, adventurous in most things (though not with food or heights!). Life, for me, isn’t about sticking to one route; it’s about exploring all the different trails along the way.
I am a river. I flow, always with a direction, and always arriving into something bigger than myself. If you ride with me, it can be gentle and smooth or wild and fast like a rollercoaster. But no matter what, we’ll always start small and arrive big. I’ve learned to trust that flow. It may not be predictable, but it’s mine, and it’s taking me exactly where I need to go.
Love Without Labels
I can love without limits—whether it’s a man, a woman, or both. The key for me is safety and mutual respect as we ride the waves of life together. Love is an adventure, and I no longer feel the need to label it. It’s fluid, just like I am.
Confidence in My Own Path
Today, I am confidently living MY way. I may not have climbed the corporate ladder or followed the traditional “happily ever after” script, but I am more than okay with that. I’m building a life that fits me and am proud of it. I can still see myself wearing my wedding ring when I’m an old woman with stories to tell my grandkids. This world needs generalists who connect the dots and bring people together. That’s my role in the grand scheme of things.
At the end of my life, I tried so many things and wore so many hats that are now collected in the wardrobe of my experiences. I want to look back and see a life filled with exploration, learning, and growth—each “hat” representing a new adventure, role, and chapter in my journey. That’s the kind of legacy I want to leave behind.
The Power of Change
One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned as I entered my 40s is the power of change. Relationships, people, and life paths evolve, and that’s something to celebrate. My daughter and I often talk about how people grow, and it’s become part of our family culture to welcome change rather than fear it.
For a long time, I feared losing the ones I loved because I didn’t think I was enough. That fear, rooted in my childhood, kept me from feeling secure in relationships. But walking alongside Pat on this hike, I realized that when you truly give someone what they need, fear fades. True connection grows from understanding and trust.
My husband has always been my nest, my place of comfort and unwavering support—first as a close friend for two years, then as my partner and husband. It took me years to fully believe in his steadfast love, but now I feel like I’ve finally arrived home. Throughout our marriage, I’ve changed many times, but I’ve always had that safe space in him. It’s freed me to grow without fear of loss.
Unconditional love is the deepest gift. We’ve learned that people change, and so do relationships. Pat and I make it a point to check in with each other at least once a year, adjusting as we grow. Who are we now, are we still the same people as we were last year? Each time we do it, our love adapts and deepens.
Farewell to the Old Me
This year’s 40th birthday felt like a farewell to the old version of me—the one who was always trying to fit in, always seeking approval. It was a celebration of who I am now and all the newness that comes with that. I’ve let go of relationships and ideas that no longer resonate with me, and I’ve embraced the fact that people come and go in life. It’s part of life’s rhythm, not a failure. We each walk our own path, and sometimes those paths align for a while before they take us in different directions.
For so long, I feared losing people because I felt I wasn’t enough for them. But as I’ve grown, I see now that true connection doesn’t depend on bending myself to fit someone else’s needs. It’s about understanding, freedom, and accepting that some relationships are meant to be temporary. People come into our lives for a reason, and when they leave, it’s often because our paths simply don’t align anymore. And that’s okay. Maybe we’ll meet again, and maybe we won’t. I can still hold them in my heart for their role in my journey without clinging to what was.
I’ve realized that we don’t owe emotional debts to anyone, just as they owe us nothing in return. We are each responsible for our own happiness. This shift has freed me to let go of the old me—the one who felt she had to meet everyone else’s expectations to feel secure. I am not becoming arrogant—despite what that echo of my former self might whisper. I’m simply becoming more myself, more ambitious, or should I say, more am-bitch😎-uous? Maybe even am-bici🚲-uous 😉.
Finding Home Within
For a long time, I let others define me. Now, I’m learning to define myself. I’ve found my inner place, my core, and to my surprise, it’s not a monster’s den—it’s paradise. It’s a space that’s calm yet alive, a place where I’m truly free to just be. And you know what? I’ve realized that I’m a pretty cool person to hang out with. I even make self-dates in my calendar now, moments set aside just for me to enjoy my own company. This discovery is what gives me balance. It’s my own center of gravity, a steady place within myself where I feel whole and grounded. I no longer need anyone else to stabilize me.
I am enough.
With this newfound understanding, I see that the “home” I’d been searching for all along was right here within me. There’s an entire universe inside—a place of calm, resilience, and strength—that I’d overlooked while seeking security from others. Now that I’ve connected with this part of myself, I don’t need external anchors. I’ve created my own, and it’s precisely what gives me my sense of balance and stability.
As I’ve learned to trust this inner stability, I can let go of people, even past versions of myself, without resentment or fear. Each connection was meaningful in its time, but I no longer need to cling to anyone or anything to feel whole. I can carry these experiences and people with me in my heart as part of my journey, while continuing to move forward on my own path.
I’ve finally freed myself to live more authentically by finding this inner paradise. Others no longer define me—I define myself from the inside out. And in this newfound authenticity, I’ve indeed found my way home.
Conclusion: Who I Am Now
So, who am I now? I am a mother of two incredible kids, a wife to my greatest love, and a woman on a journey of self-discovery. I am adventurous, neurodivergent, and fiercely independent. I love long bike rides, festivals, and the feeling of cold water against my skin. I am a Balkan spirit who says things as they are. And I am someone who is learning, every day, to love myself a little more.
Follow My Adventures
If you want to keep up with my journey—whether it’s on a bike ride through Switzerland or discovering a new passion—follow me on Instagram @Ruxi.bici.